Well another year just passed

Hey guys.
It's my birthday today!
I'm 17 now.. one more year till I'm 18.

Well I actually didn't do anything special today.
Just stayed at home & did the usual, reading books and stuff like that.

I did cut my hair though! 

Before

After

To be honest, I don't think I did too bad a job of it. I'm quite content with my haircut.

There's a few rough edges, but that's expected of an amateur like me.

Oh, gave me quite a nice surprise this morning.
Found a hundred dollar note when I went into the bathroom this morning.

Can't believe it took something like that to make me realize how much my parents actually love me as a child. I was pretty touched at that cause my parents hardly prepare surprises.

So yup. That's my 17th birthday.

Godbless~

Oh~ How I love the guilt

Well I went there again today.
Gave into the one temptation that has been ruining me since I can remember.
I've been trying really hard to stop it, but I always end up going back.

I realized something after I screwed up again today.
I love the guilt.

I love how I hate myself.
I love that I feel like I don't need anyone.
I love that it gives me the satisfaction that I can live for myself.

In comparison to not going there for a few days.
I end up wanting to have a social life again.
I end up building up my pride.
I end up trying to be recognized in a way.
That's something I don't like.

So yea.
Thought I'd like to share that.

Freedom

Well today I had my very last exam.
Which means I'm free for the rest of the year.
I'm also free for the first month of next year.
That's two whole months of holiday.

But you know what, I felt no joy at all when I finished that last exam.
I felt pathetic.
I was pissed off.
At myself.

I really don't deserve this freedom.
I basically did no preparation at all for most of my exams.
I just lazed about & took studying as a holiday.

I reap what I sow.
Exciting to see what a sow right?

Godbless~

Imma piece of crap

Ahh... so last exam tomorrow, I should be excited & "study sprinting".

But no, it's the night before my exam & I've decided that since I haven't had an exam in 11 days, I'm not going to bother too much. These 11 days have really changed my perspective on these exams.

So instead of studying, I'm just going to continue reading so x-men.
How great, I'm just ruining my life.
When you see me picking up rubbish as a full time job, you'll understand.

I'm so shit aye.

Ridiculous

Hey guys.
Sorry for not blogging much lately.
I've been lazy & slack I know..

Well I'm more or less done with my exams.
But really, I was basically done since they started.
More or less didn't study proper for any of my exams.
It's sad & bad.

I've been struggling loads lately.
Along with all the laziness, temptation has been tripping me up.
I've given in more or less all the time.
Sometimes I don't even want to, but I do anyways.
What's wrong with me right?

I got really angry at how far I had fallen last night.
Decided to 'punish myself', ended up making my nose bleed.
I deserved it.
I won't go back into cutting, don't worry.

I'm such a failure at life aye.
Gotta teach Children Sunday School tomorrow.
Sooner or later I'm gonna fail & lead the children wrongly if I keep going down this path.
That's enough ranting.

Godbless~

Foggy Mind

As you guys may have noticed, I haven't blogged here in quite awhile.
I've been spending life by myself lately, doing my own thing, in my own time.
Haven't even been bothered to blog.. sorry.

My mind has been screwed up badly recently.
What seemed and is ridiculous at first, I have now made it acceptable in my life.
The more I do it, the more acceptable it is.
Whereas, it isn't acceptable at all, it's just not on.
I have really 'reprogrammed' my mind to accept it & it's probably the worst thing I've ever done.

I hate it. I wish I could go back.
I can, but it's hard.
It'll mean stopping what makes me feel good.
It'll mean rewiring my mind.
It'll take time.
It's on.

Please pray for me.

Godbless