Outta control

I've been completely fucking around lately. Literally.

I really don't know who I am anymore. I'm flunking my tests at school, I've been too lazy to work out for weeks, & my faith is hanging on by a thread..

I'm just a total screw up.

I've been fucking myself alot more lately, as I just can't help it. There seems to be nothing better to do.

I know I need someone; some moral support.

I tried to seek, but it seems even my most trusted friends in this sort of stuff don't care anymore.

I feel completely helpless, completely alone, abandoned.

Though I still know I'm not.

How do I find my way back to Him now? How can I ever turn my life around now that I've fallen so far?
Is it possible?

I don't know what to do any longer, I'm scared, but chilled at the same time, as i just don't seem to care anymore.

I do miss those days where I had Him in my life. Where everything seemed to work well with each other. I was still completely imperfect, but I had the motivation to make a change.

I miss having control over my mind, my own thoughts. I miss having control of my flesh - the corrupted part of me.

Only if I knew the way out..

My Curse

No matter how hard I try, how badly I desire to be free from it or how intensely I fight, it just keeps coming back to make me fall into corruption.

It's as if I've been cursed with it.
That it cannot be lifted & will destroy me for the ret of my life.

Only if this curse could be lifted ..

My addiction

The two biggest problems I would say I have right now would be.

1) My family

2) Then secondly would be my porn addiction

Though I feel that the second one is largely affected by the first.

Watching porn really makes me feel far away from my family, makes me feel like I don't belong.

So with all my family problems going around at home, porn has become a retreat to lessen the feeling of belonging in my family. Which in turn satisfies a certain need.

Hmm...